Medication and the chemically unbalanced mind – Part 2


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This is the second of 2 parts for this particular piece. I know there’s alot here but for the people who are dealing with loved ones with bi-polar understanding the battle to stay medicated is one of the toughest ones to face. Part 1 can be found here

Run-of-the-mill SSRI. I did some quick research, and knew it would take a few weeks to become completely affective, and was ware of the side affects. 2 months later and a quick check with the Doc and it all seemed to be working as expected except for a few minor dosage adjustments.
And so it continued for about 2 years. I’ve been asked numerous times by every single doctor, social worker, case worker, and therapist to try and pinpoint when the changes really began to happen. I can’t really do that. A good portion of those with bi-polar can’t. Here’s why. (And this will explain why I felt it important to describe my previous energy and extroverted nature a few paragraphs above.) For some many people with bi-polar they are misdiagnosed for months and many times, as in my case, years. I went to the doctor and told them about my depressions and my anxiety. I didn’t tell them about the mania that I had started experiencing around that same time. Why on god’s green earth would I? The manias were what I lived for. The energy, the excitement, the creativity. It was all so amazing. It was all so beautiful and right and things seemed perfect in the world at that time. And if they weren’t perfect, I felt like I had to ability to make them so. So I never complained to my doctor about it. It never even occurred to me that it could be an indicator of something larger gone awry.

It changed me. It changed everything. I was different to my friends and in social settings. They didn’t quite seem to know how they were supposed to interact with me anymore. My role in the group no longer fit my characteristics. As people began to treat me differently I started to notice that I no longer knew how to maneuver with my newly calibrated brain chemistry. It was like reliving every awkward, coming-of-age experience you had growing up where you had to fumble your way through, feeling lost and humiliated. Only this time my hands were tied. I had always been the out going one. I was the funny, fat girl. I had my role. I wasn’t that anymore. While logically I could look back at the depressive episodes and know how dismal and horrid that place was that they took me, I still missed the person I once was.

The loss of that person that you once knew creates a grief that is indescribable. I cannot think of a more complex concept than to mourn the loss of yourself. At this point, every coping skill that you have learned up until this point in your life has been altered and the environment that you are trying to learn this new skill set in has also been altered and you are thrown blindfolded into the deep end. While, everyone who has been watching your spiral is cheering saying that this is the break you have been looking for in life. How the hell is this a break?

Learning these new techniques and skills are not a quick process. They take time and adjustment, and pain and work. These are all things that human nature will tell you to try to avoid if there is an alternate means available. Then it occurs to you. There is. Stop taking the meds. You’ve had sometime on them, you’ve reflected on what your poor decisions were and where you need to make changes and you can do that now without the meds. You’ll go back to having all of the benefits without all the risks and fears and complications. It was a great break for you to take and get yourself recentered, but now that’s all done.
You do that. You stop. It’s your body and your life so it’s your decision. Then it doesn’t take long, I can’t say exactly how long, but not long, and the old patterns start to show again. At first your theory holds true, you can use your new knowledge to control things. Gradually the escalation begins. Now you’re back to the place of agony once again. You’ve broken promises, or ruined business deals. You’ve betrayed friendships or emptied every bank account you had access to. Standing there you can see it all. It’s all in fragments right now but it’s there. Pieces from every important thing in your life and they are all damaged by you. Your life has once again collided with that of those you love and they are still left asking why you wouldn’t just get help. Why couldn’t you just stay on the meds. Was is really that hard?

Medication and the chemically unbalanced mind – Part 1


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I’m breaking this particular piece up into 2 separate post but they should all be up today. I know it’s a lot but the struggle to stay properly medicated is one of the most common struggles between people with bi-polar and those who love us.

“Wait, there’s help available and you’re not utilizing it? I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you use every tool available to get better if you really are sick?” Or, this one is really common – “With all the advances in medicine why would you insist on torturing yourself?” Or my favorite, “Put your pride aside and ask for help.”

While I am bi-polar myself, I do have a bit of a unique perspective because I was also in a relationship with someone who is also bi-polar. While this brought about a whole slew of separate complications that would need its own episode of both Oprah and Dr. Phill to cover adequately, it gave me an insight into loving and taking care of someone who faces this battle. So, with all that said, for the common, new or uneducated observer of someone with bi-polar the resistance to be drug compliant can be described at best as frustrating. So many of the actions and choices that are taken in cases like mine can easily be perceived as defiant, rebellious, and ostentatious. Those around us feel for so long that we decide to do things for the sheer purpose of being difficult. But alass…this is not the entire scope.

There are a couple of different things that influence each person’s personal decision they make for their individual treatment. They can range from educational theories that their past experiences support, religious beliefs and training that dictate acceptable forms of treatment, and for some it is an risk-verse-reward calculation for future life impact.

A little about my story that will allow me to demonstrated a few of these concepts that are found in a large portion of the bi-polar population. In 1998 I started college at The University of Texas, Austin. I moved to Austin fresh out of high school from California , leaving my parents behind. My first semester had its trials but nothing that was noted to be concerned about. Then in the spring of 1999 there became a more noticeable presence of anxiety and depression invading my thoughts. At the time I was also beginning my path through exploring my sexuality and finding my identity so a lot of what I was noticing I justified as growing pains. While I had been diagnosed with learning disorders in high school I had never received any proper treatment until starting at UT, so that brought about one more stressor to place the blame on.

As that second semester was coming to an end I was able to compare where I was with emotional stability to that of my peers and I started to see some inadequacies. Now, just so that I am setting up the back story accurately these periods of depression and anxiety were completely internalized for the most part. I have always been known for my outgoing, energetic and over the top personality. My grandmother used to always say “She’s never met a stranger.” So I can say that these episodes were not having a massive impact on my everyday life. For the time being they were just there. Although, being there was becoming more and more frequent.

After a few months I finally approached my Doctor about the depressive thoughts that were becoming more and more intrusive. I described the lethargy, depressed, and anxious moods and was forthcoming about their frequency and intensity. My words had not fully formed in my mouth, let alone had the time to leave it, before my Doctor was writing my first prescription for an antidepressant.

Some Questions I Would LIke Answered

Christy Wade

You know me.

You know my character.

You know my love for people.

You know I would go out of my way to help someone in need.

You see my desire to please God above all else.

You see I love Jesus and seek to place my entire life under His lordship.

You see how I’ve dedicated my life to ministry.

You see me worship God and striving for a life of holiness.


Your once good thoughts of me change the moment you learn of my sexual orientation.

Your speech to me changes from friendly conversations to  Bible verses as a way to show me the error of my way.

You now claim to love me but not my gay lifestyle.

You tell me that I’m no longer a Christian.

You think I’m trying to destroy America and the traditional family.

You say I’m promoting the ‘gay agenda.’

You say I…

View original post 70 more words

After the Fact: Ignored Health Care Points

Amen to this! For the most part the issue of universal health care has wondered off of the front pages of news papers and is now, quite literally yesterday’s news. That is for most people. But what about the 23 million Americans, myself included, that are still left without coverage? And what about the 9100 patients in Texas alone that will die every 3 – 6 months because they don’t have access to the health care that they need?

For us this is not just a matter of political opinion. Not at all. For us it is the difference between survival and death in many cases. At best it’s a determining factor of quality of life.

Vandelay Industry

Perhaps it’s the absence of a floundering website. Or perhaps it’s the government hitting its goal in enrollments. Whatever the reason may be, the health care debate has long left the national spotlight. Surpassed by missing planes and electoral upsets, it seems Obamacare has entered the coveted annals known only by the likes of the Macarena and shrinky-dinks. Okay maybe its not that bad. And maybe I just wanted to use the word annal in a sentence. But rest assured, Obamacare will once again resurface just as soon as an innocent glitch can be exploited to exhaustion by Republicans. Until then here are a few facts I noticed were decidedly absent from the whole of the health care debate:

1. Bankruptcy due to medical bills

France –…
Japan –…
Germany –…
Netherlands –…
Canada –…
Switzerland –…
United States – 700,000 per year

2. Health Care spending as a percentage of GDP

France – about…

View original post 64 more words

When mediocrity is all that I can achieve



It has really started to come to my attention that while I am OK or good at many things there isn’t anything that I am great at. It brings up the question of what has greater value and therefore also brings up self worth. It seems like always been working hard on or had some focus on something but I can’t say that there is even one that was taken to competition. So was all that time and effort spent wasted?

I think that debate in mind stems from the fact that there has ALWAYS been energy, effort and passion put into everything I have done. So does the value of that get negated by the lack of completion? And if not what is the value system that is used to assess? And then it brings up the question of individual assessment. Should each person or individual be judged individually and not against to norm or expected?

This brings up an endless set of questions, as most things do in my mind. But one of the first ones , and possibly the most important one, is who gets to determine the answer to these things. Who is the final judge? Is there ever really any one, singular person capable enough to be entrusted with the responsibility of the judgment of others or does that just go beyond that of human ability?


Look what I think


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I really don’t know what to do from here. I’m reasonably smart and well educated but figuring out my next steps in life are at a loss to me.

I have tried all of the standard me the that are suggested. First, I set long term goals and looked at what I needed to do to achieve those. That didn’t work. So then I broke things down as far a possible. Looked only at what needed to be done at any one given point. That too failed.

I feel as though it is impossible for me to mark out any sort of plans or goals when everything has always been so uncertain. The only thing that has ever been consistent in my life is the fact that I am always the exception to the rule. That 1 in 1,000,000 chance something is going to happen, those things that they put in the really small print of release forms – that’s me. It has always been me.

Up until recently I was able to see past my historical tendency to defy all odds and played along with the game of life. I made plans, I participated and every now and then I was even optimistic. But now…not now. I have lost the ability to see how it warrants any of my time or energy to do those things because none it has ever made a difference before. I did the hard working student thing. I did the fat girl who got health consious. I acknowledged my shortcomings and flaws and I tried to prepare for the trials of life and yet still, none of it mattered. I was even the good kid who went to church. I went through the coming out process, which is not easy is small town Texas, and never once questioned God’s plan. I played by the rules and I got screwed. So, that being the case why should I continue to play by those same rules. After all wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result? Well maybe it’s time that I re-evaluate my strategy.

Description of a bi-polar cycle


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That energy. There’s this energy that surges through your body. Every artery,  vessel,  vein and capillary filled to capacity.  That engery. It amplifies your senses to an extreme unexplainable through words. With each breath you take you can feel each and every cell in your body taking in fresh oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. When the wind blows across the back of your neck the feeling is so intense that you could count every hair that is standing and number them.You are aware. Aware of everything. The colors you see could be mistaken for an acid trip because they are so vibrant and alluring. Sounds become all encompassing,  percise, and complex. Suddenly you have the ability to hear each note singularly and appreciate it’s role in forming one cohesive sound. Your mind begins to make connections and find patterns in ways that have never been done before. You have the answer. The answer to what? Everything. With this you very well could paint the next Mona Lisa and cure cancer all in one evening. As the surge continues you begin to want a more involved experience. The ideas, the theories, and the epiphanies persuade you to leap into action. With such amazing concepts there is no time or need to analyze or prepare the implications. Why waste the time when you are so certain of the validity and value of these incredible breakthroughs.  The world is viseral and stimulating to every one of your senses on a level beyond explanation. It becomes a high further up than than drugs, alcohol,  or even sex.  It is freedom. You are soaring. It crystal clear that this is how life is supposed to be. With each moment that passes it starts to saturate your mind. No part of you exist that isn’t engulfed in the beauty of this barrage of sensory over load. At this moment in there is nothing holding you back or impeding your course. It is here that you go beyond just surviving to flourishing and thriving.  Even mundane things begin to feel awash with pride and accomplishment. It is all all-consuming and abundant. And then the intensity beings to overwhelm those very same senses that had provided you with the world’s most amazing experiences. The amplification begins to feel like drowning.  The smells that usually only irritate you now make you sick to your stomach with distaine. The noises, the sounds. They seem to echo over and over in your head. There is no quite. The clothes against your body are now annoying and uncomfortable. It is almost if you can feel each fiber ginding your skin like a cheese grader. The shirt you love, the one that took you months to get it broke in to just the right feel is now not even an option to wear. And now you’re angry.  It doesn’t take much. Your average temperament is demolished and replaced by a hair pin trigger that has no set standards that cause detonation.  Your mind is spinning. The thoughts that can provide you such beautiful and mind-blowing insight start to smoother you. There is no keeping up when they begin to bombard the entirety of your body. It becomes futile to even try. Frustration abounds. How is it possible one cannot regulate the impact of such things on their mind? With that comes the self doubt and criticism. Paranoia is now a standing member in the cast. You look back at everything. Every choice, every decision and every move. You go looking for the flaws. The imperfections.  They’re there. Most people don’t acknowledge them because they don’t see them. But they are there. The extent of failure shifts to that of parramount destruction. You can see it. You can feel it. But then,  what happens if people do start to see those failures? Those problems created by you. Will they abandon you? Walk away from you? Discredit you? Preperation for the fallout is now a priority.  How to handle the response from those around us. How to fix it. Meanwhile the questions of capability erode any semblance of hope. That is gone. Surviving becomes a task. Waking up in the morning is now a reason to mourn. There no sources of joy or excitement. There is no anything. It all seems ridiculous to even attempt. So you don’t. You opt not to try in order to eliminate the possibility of anymore failures. With that comes the isolation.  Further away will prevent any judgment or malice or emotional pain caused by others. It all gets turned inward. It all becomes internal. And that is where it festers, multiplies and intensifies. And that is where it takes hold. Bringing you down into the shadows deep into the heart of depression. Drained by every task removing anything that is  nonessential to continuing on is no longer a problem for you to care about. You experience no joy or fulfillment from anything which leads you to no longer engage and participate in what feels like a futile endeavor to find happiness. You stop. You just stop. You feel physically fatigued and emotionally compromised. There is nothing in your power left for you to try. Even more to the forefront of your mind is the lack of desire to try anything. There is no motivation to be found. Nothing entices you enough to spur action. There seems to be a fog separating you from anything tangible. It pulls you further in with the passing of each minute. It takes hold of just a little more power over you without you even noticing.    It all feels permanent and static. Like it will last forever in this state of being. You feel consumed and devoured by an entity most people can dominate but you cannot. It’s not in your skill set. The capacity simply does not exist within you. This realization pushes you further to despair. It crushes you soul and instinct to fight to survive. It makes you numb. And from there you have to fight. You have to battle. You must begin here to return to reality and life. And it seems impossible, unattainable and obsurd to even attempt. Yet that is the reality. That is what is real. It is your life. It is your situation and it is the circumstances that you have to deal with. But is does not have to mean defeat. Reclamation can be achieved and progress can be made. It is not with out effort or energy or risk. It is shrouded in possible pitfalls and dangers but it is your only option. So you work to normalize. To be even kill. To manage. You find ways and mechanisms to cope. Ways to anticipate the next cycle that will inevitably come. And you find ways to overcome.  To break lose and break free. To build a foundation applicable to your life. It continues to be a struggle as it always will. It’s presence will never go unnoticed although it may become less prevalent. And with each day that is survived there is an opportunity to begin again and improve.

The order of things


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I’ve been wanting to post this whole week but just haven’t felt up to it. I’m just in too much pain. But I seem to have found the stamina tonight to do so. I hate this being in pain. Especially since I know that if I were able to get the health care that I need it would be taken care of. While they can’t deny me care based on my conditions they can use it to determine the cost of my premium making it far too high for me to afford when I am out of work. And seeing that I can’t go back to work because I am far too sick it becomes a vicious cycle and I fall between the cracks of “ObamaCare.”

For the past 9 days I have not been out of bed for more than 3 hours.  It is beyond frustrating. It is angering and makes me livid. It does so because if I could see a doctor and get the care I need then I could move past this. But I cannot. I went to school. And I studied.  I did well in several fields. I continued my education after I left. I have things to contribute both economically and philosophically to the culture that surrounds me but I am hendered. I  hendered because I am sick and do not have the means to obtain health care that should be a standard. There are medical procedures that I need done and medicine I need to be on but am not because I do not have access to health care in our country. And yes, I am mad. I am mad because I played by the rules. I went to school. I got a degree, I learned a skill that made me a valuable member of society and yet our government has turned its back on me.

I live in a state that cannot even provide me with the health care that is needed to save my life but is being told by our president that we should use our state – funded schools as shelters for illegal immigrants and I am expected to be OK with that? I have NO problem with immigration.  Almost all Americans have some sort of immigration history in their lineage. But, do it the right way. Do it the legal way. Come to this country, learn our language,  learn our history, pass the test and gain citizenship.

My entrance into the blogging world


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3 days ago I stared to build my blog on WordPress. I could not wait to have the basic structure done so I could publish my first post and open the possibility of connecting with others in the way that I am currently missing. Well, I finished that basic layout and structure about 7 hours ago. I have never hesitated to speak my mind and thoughts so I am perplexed by my current delay. After all isn’t having an audience of this size this whole point of having a blog?

I live in Waxahachie, a small town in Texas. Old, small – minded values are still very much at the heart of this community. That is not to say that every member of the community is narrow minded but instead to say that the narrow minded are definitely visible.  This is direct opposition to me living openly gay. Now, to make things even more complex I am a right winged gay republican.  So, just to review that pretty much makes me too gay to be staight and too staight to be gay. (I tend to fall in the gaps a lot in life)

So being in this small, southern town I am isolated and have been looking for an outlet.  This is how I ended up here. And yet for sp.e reason I am hesitant.  Why? I have made a promise to myself that I will write honestly and truthfully,  and not delete posts once they are published. That means really really exposing myself. But, at the same time it means really really opening myself up to connect with others in similar situations.

My current social situation is compounded by the fact that I am bi-polar and struggling with complications  from gastric bypass. I want to write about my experiences and tell my story so that it can raise awareness of things like human rights, mental illness and health, and the current state of health care in our country. I realize that it will only be through education and understanding that the social mindset will begin to change.  Still, it is very intimidating to open myself up when for so long I have been prohibited from
exactly that.

I come into this with only the desire to have a chance to be open and honest about who I am and what I believe.  I would love it if I were able to find others who are like minded or share the sender views. More than anything I just need to be reminded that the world is so much bigger than this small town.