I really don’t know what to do from here. I’m reasonably smart and well educated but figuring out my next steps in life are at a loss to me.
I have tried all of the standard me the that are suggested. First, I set long term goals and looked at what I needed to do to achieve those. That didn’t work. So then I broke things down as far a possible. Looked only at what needed to be done at any one given point. That too failed.
I feel as though it is impossible for me to mark out any sort of plans or goals when everything has always been so uncertain. The only thing that has ever been consistent in my life is the fact that I am always the exception to the rule. That 1 in 1,000,000 chance something is going to happen, those things that they put in the really small print of release forms – that’s me. It has always been me.
Up until recently I was able to see past my historical tendency to defy all odds and played along with the game of life. I made plans, I participated and every now and then I was even optimistic. But now…not now. I have lost the ability to see how it warrants any of my time or energy to do those things because none it has ever made a difference before. I did the hard working student thing. I did the fat girl who got health consious. I acknowledged my shortcomings and flaws and I tried to prepare for the trials of life and yet still, none of it mattered. I was even the good kid who went to church. I went through the coming out process, which is not easy is small town Texas, and never once questioned God’s plan. I played by the rules and I got screwed. So, that being the case why should I continue to play by those same rules. After all wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result? Well maybe it’s time that I re-evaluate my strategy.