That energy. There’s this energy that surges through your body. Every artery, vessel, vein and capillary filled to capacity. That engery. It amplifies your senses to an extreme unexplainable through words. With each breath you take you can feel each and every cell in your body taking in fresh oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. When the wind blows across the back of your neck the feeling is so intense that you could count every hair that is standing and number them.You are aware. Aware of everything. The colors you see could be mistaken for an acid trip because they are so vibrant and alluring. Sounds become all encompassing, percise, and complex. Suddenly you have the ability to hear each note singularly and appreciate it’s role in forming one cohesive sound. Your mind begins to make connections and find patterns in ways that have never been done before. You have the answer. The answer to what? Everything. With this you very well could paint the next Mona Lisa and cure cancer all in one evening. As the surge continues you begin to want a more involved experience. The ideas, the theories, and the epiphanies persuade you to leap into action. With such amazing concepts there is no time or need to analyze or prepare the implications. Why waste the time when you are so certain of the validity and value of these incredible breakthroughs. The world is viseral and stimulating to every one of your senses on a level beyond explanation. It becomes a high further up than than drugs, alcohol, or even sex. It is freedom. You are soaring. It crystal clear that this is how life is supposed to be. With each moment that passes it starts to saturate your mind. No part of you exist that isn’t engulfed in the beauty of this barrage of sensory over load. At this moment in there is nothing holding you back or impeding your course. It is here that you go beyond just surviving to flourishing and thriving. Even mundane things begin to feel awash with pride and accomplishment. It is all all-consuming and abundant. And then the intensity beings to overwhelm those very same senses that had provided you with the world’s most amazing experiences. The amplification begins to feel like drowning. The smells that usually only irritate you now make you sick to your stomach with distaine. The noises, the sounds. They seem to echo over and over in your head. There is no quite. The clothes against your body are now annoying and uncomfortable. It is almost if you can feel each fiber ginding your skin like a cheese grader. The shirt you love, the one that took you months to get it broke in to just the right feel is now not even an option to wear. And now you’re angry. It doesn’t take much. Your average temperament is demolished and replaced by a hair pin trigger that has no set standards that cause detonation. Your mind is spinning. The thoughts that can provide you such beautiful and mind-blowing insight start to smoother you. There is no keeping up when they begin to bombard the entirety of your body. It becomes futile to even try. Frustration abounds. How is it possible one cannot regulate the impact of such things on their mind? With that comes the self doubt and criticism. Paranoia is now a standing member in the cast. You look back at everything. Every choice, every decision and every move. You go looking for the flaws. The imperfections. They’re there. Most people don’t acknowledge them because they don’t see them. But they are there. The extent of failure shifts to that of parramount destruction. You can see it. You can feel it. But then, what happens if people do start to see those failures? Those problems created by you. Will they abandon you? Walk away from you? Discredit you? Preperation for the fallout is now a priority. How to handle the response from those around us. How to fix it. Meanwhile the questions of capability erode any semblance of hope. That is gone. Surviving becomes a task. Waking up in the morning is now a reason to mourn. There no sources of joy or excitement. There is no anything. It all seems ridiculous to even attempt. So you don’t. You opt not to try in order to eliminate the possibility of anymore failures. With that comes the isolation. Further away will prevent any judgment or malice or emotional pain caused by others. It all gets turned inward. It all becomes internal. And that is where it festers, multiplies and intensifies. And that is where it takes hold. Bringing you down into the shadows deep into the heart of depression. Drained by every task removing anything that is nonessential to continuing on is no longer a problem for you to care about. You experience no joy or fulfillment from anything which leads you to no longer engage and participate in what feels like a futile endeavor to find happiness. You stop. You just stop. You feel physically fatigued and emotionally compromised. There is nothing in your power left for you to try. Even more to the forefront of your mind is the lack of desire to try anything. There is no motivation to be found. Nothing entices you enough to spur action. There seems to be a fog separating you from anything tangible. It pulls you further in with the passing of each minute. It takes hold of just a little more power over you without you even noticing. It all feels permanent and static. Like it will last forever in this state of being. You feel consumed and devoured by an entity most people can dominate but you cannot. It’s not in your skill set. The capacity simply does not exist within you. This realization pushes you further to despair. It crushes you soul and instinct to fight to survive. It makes you numb. And from there you have to fight. You have to battle. You must begin here to return to reality and life. And it seems impossible, unattainable and obsurd to even attempt. Yet that is the reality. That is what is real. It is your life. It is your situation and it is the circumstances that you have to deal with. But is does not have to mean defeat. Reclamation can be achieved and progress can be made. It is not with out effort or energy or risk. It is shrouded in possible pitfalls and dangers but it is your only option. So you work to normalize. To be even kill. To manage. You find ways and mechanisms to cope. Ways to anticipate the next cycle that will inevitably come. And you find ways to overcome. To break lose and break free. To build a foundation applicable to your life. It continues to be a struggle as it always will. It’s presence will never go unnoticed although it may become less prevalent. And with each day that is survived there is an opportunity to begin again and improve.
3 days ago I stared to build my blog on WordPress. I could not wait to have the basic structure done so I could publish my first post and open the possibility of connecting with others in the way that I am currently missing. Well, I finished that basic layout and structure about 7 hours ago. I have never hesitated to speak my mind and thoughts so I am perplexed by my current delay. After all isn’t having an audience of this size this whole point of having a blog?
I live in Waxahachie, a small town in Texas. Old, small – minded values are still very much at the heart of this community. That is not to say that every member of the community is narrow minded but instead to say that the narrow minded are definitely visible. This is direct opposition to me living openly gay. Now, to make things even more complex I am a right winged gay republican. So, just to review that pretty much makes me too gay to be staight and too staight to be gay. (I tend to fall in the gaps a lot in life)
So being in this small, southern town I am isolated and have been looking for an outlet. This is how I ended up here. And yet for sp.e reason I am hesitant. Why? I have made a promise to myself that I will write honestly and truthfully, and not delete posts once they are published. That means really really exposing myself. But, at the same time it means really really opening myself up to connect with others in similar situations.
My current social situation is compounded by the fact that I am bi-polar and struggling with complications from gastric bypass. I want to write about my experiences and tell my story so that it can raise awareness of things like human rights, mental illness and health, and the current state of health care in our country. I realize that it will only be through education and understanding that the social mindset will begin to change. Still, it is very intimidating to open myself up when for so long I have been prohibited from
I come into this with only the desire to have a chance to be open and honest about who I am and what I believe. I would love it if I were able to find others who are like minded or share the sender views. More than anything I just need to be reminded that the world is so much bigger than this small town.